Brandon's Blog

Danger already covered this on Warming Glow, but holy moly do I have a few thoughts…

- Haystack and Jelly Roll? TOGETHER?! (head explodes)

- Onyx, Warren G, Master P, and DMX appearing makes me sad.

- Illegal chop block at 8:52.

- I really feel bad for the girl working the desk at the Cave in Rock, IL Holiday Inn. She will have nightmares for years.

- Because my work firewalls didn’t block this, I got paid to watch this garbage. Thanks company.

Finally got around to watching the season finale of The Walking Dead last night. First, in all fairness, the second half of this season was WAY better than anything that happened since they left the field in season one. HOWEVER, I have some real issues with what’s going on and I need to rant to no one in particular.

First, this is well documented, but Lori is THE WORST. It’s a zombie apocalypse and you can’t keep an eye on your kid for longer than five minutes? The little shit already has a tendency to wander off and drum up walkers. Ugh, eat a sandwich and do some parenting you moron.

Second, how did Herschel manage to pump out around 50 shots from a double barrel shotgun without reloading? My wife thinks he had a backpack with ammo, much like a Super Soaker. Without another suggestion, I’ll side with her on this one. IRL, Herschel

Third, it’s a good thing no one in that group outside of Rick is a cop. They all have tremendous accuracy, even when shooting from a moving vehicle. I witnessed a 100% head shot kill rate. Amazing. If TV has taught me one thing, it’s that cops are horrible shots and random citizens have the marksmanship of Seal Team 6.

Finally, EFF the group of turning on Rick. Like they’re so great? I haven’t seen any of them bring any solutions to the table. Kudos for ending the “democracy”. GRIMES 2012!

Damn it Lifetime, when I watch a made-for-TV movie, I expect authenticity. If you missed Rob Lowe’s performance as Drew Peterson in “Drew Peterson: Untouchable”, you missed a piece of cinematic history.

What caused me to pause the movie to rant (and annoy my wife), was the scene after his third wife’s body was found. Drew is playing basketball with his kids in the driveway. His youngest son is wearing a Derrick Rose jersey. Come on Lifetime! His third wife was killed in 2004. Derrick Rose was drafted by the Bulls in 2008. Rose was a high school freshman in 2004. The only explanation? Peterson’s son was a sports psychic!

He struck again later in the movie, wearing a Marian Hossa Blackhawks jersey, but I couldn’t find a screencap of that. Theo Epstein needs to get in touch with that kid yesterday.

Also…

I had no idea that being accused of witchcraft was still a thing. Let alone being killed for it. However, getting beaten for being a boy named Kristy, I get.

Kristy and his siblings had arrived in London from Paris to see the East London couple for Christmas. But Kelly, Kristy’s elder sister, said the trip turned sour when Eric Bikubi accused her and Kristy of practicing witchcraft and sorcery. Eric Bikubi also accused them of influencing his 3-year-old son.

“Despite her own siblings’ denials that they were sorcerers, Magalie Bamu joined her boyfriend in repeating these fantastic claims and participating in the assaults,” Altman alleged.

“They beat them, refusing to let them eat, drink or sleep for days while the punishments being meted out became increasingly violent, with them using many implements found in the flat as weapons of torture,” Altman said.

Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy could not be reached for comment, but they sure do look sad at the passing of one of their own.

Frowny faces definitely NOT added for effect

In Washington, the Attorney General is facing questions about Fast and the Furious, I think.

Headline in Texas, “Mom who shot kids, self denied food stamps”.

I probably have the order of events wrong.

Headline in Orlando, “Seeking work? Alligator hunters wanted”.

I may have the details wrong.

Fashion model and fashion website editor Lauren Scruggs stepped into the path of a spinning airplane propeller. There’s no real way to polish that turd. Friends say she may have been waving to the pilot for a job well done. Instead, she lost her left hand and possibly her eye. Let’s recap, this idiot WALKED INTO A SPINNING PROPELLER. Those things aren’t exactly subtle.

In lieu of any actual footage, I obtained an artist’s rendering of what happened. And by “I obtained”, of course I mean “I spent 4 minutes in MS Paint”.

I’m not sure why she was flying in a lemon with no back tires, or why the lemon appears to still be in flight.

lolslater:

LS: OK folks, this is it; part 4 of our very important, and most likely Pulitzer Prize winning, discussion of “Saved By the Bell, Hawaiian Style.”  If anyone at the New York Times is reading, both Danger and myself are open to discussions on becoming full-time film critics, but only if we can restrict it to films made prior to 2000.  Deal?  Whatever, here we go.

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Here’s the money quote:

The man, who has only been identified as P.B.B., was reportedly taken to a hospital where the capsules, weighing a total of about two pounds, were removed from his body. It was unclear how this was achieved.

Based on the x-ray, I think he packaged the coke in human thumbs.

On the bright side, we’ll probably get to meet the guy on next season’s Locked Up Abroad.

via MSNBC with a tip o’ the cap to Jack.

This will now be more than just awesome looking half dinosaurs/half people doing things.  It will also be a Justin Beiber fan site.  Maybe a Selena Gomez fan site.  Maybe a fan site where I make stick figures with their heads, doing it.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Probably not.  Yeah, definitely not that.  I can tell you this.  It will be something.  But not stick figures of Beibs and Gomez doing it.  Okay, maybe one.